Odds&Ends | Don't Ask Me How To Get A Date

Do you guys know that swans are like men and women? According to Wikipedia, "they mate for life, though "divorce" does sometimes occur, particularly following nesting failure". Interesting. Photo of swan (could be a cob or a pen; am not exactly a swan sex expert) taken at Colmar Tropicale, a French Village high up in Bukit Tinggi, Pahang. Since I don't speak Swan, I could only guess that it was probably making an effort to hook up with the other swan nearby when it made that loud trumpet-like call.

As a teen column writer, the occasional missives seeking advice would find their way into my inbox. Heck, I have problems of my own but when duty calls, I answer without a moment of hesitation (as when I do when nature seeks my immediate attention).

Writing for the press, it's best to be politically-correct. Like the time someone wrote in to complain about a weight issue. I know jolly well that it's a cruel world in which beauty and cellulite aren't exactly the best of chums. I don't kid myself; B&C aren't about to start walking hand-in-hand into the sunset and declare "This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship". Yet, I was pretty encouraging when doling out advice by quoting half-truths like "Beauty fades, dumb is forever" (yeah, beauty fades, but would you really care when you see a girl bearing a decent resemblance to Alexis Bledel or a guy whose right side reminds you of Takeshi? Dopamine dictates that you wouldn't).

Watching Hitch (which has a half-baked plot) reminded me of this particular I-need-help letter I received a while ago:

I have a serious crush on B. I see her at school. I doubt she sees me. To her, all I am is the invisible man; like the song. I wrote a poem about her. It's not yet done but here's a snippet: See her at the hall. Wanna say Hi. Wanna give her a call. She's so high. High above me. Again, like the song. I can relate to what they're saying in their songs. You know the song by Clay Aiken "Invisible" about how dirty (both literally and figuratively) Clay would wish to be a fly on the wall and be invisible in somebody's room? That's kinda how this is; Clay sums up my feelings for B except that I don't want to be a fly or invisible. Definitely not invisible. Please tell me what it would take for her to be my girl.

Fool-in-Love

The guy is obviously psychotic. I mean, who quotes songs and rips sentences from Eminem? And I hate the stupid verses the bloke claims to be poetry. Of course, being the hypocritical me, I wrote a rather convincing reply that even I myself would fall for:

Dear Fool-in-Love (Hypocritical bullshit #1: He's not at all dear to me),

You don't sound like a fool to me (HB #2: Anyone who plagiarises Eminem can't be smarter than an idiot). I can totally sense you're in love though. I don't see how hard it would be for you to get the girl of your dream; you definitely come across as a smart and talented guy (HB #3: This is one of those not-so-covert trade secrets; you say what they want to hear and keep 'em happy).

I totally dig your poem (HB #4: Little white lies don't hurt). May I offer a few suggestions on your choice in self-doubting words (HB #5: Be critical yet polite)? "Wanna say Hi"? Why not actually do it? I've taken the liberty to change your lovely verses to a more upbeat version: I see her at the hall. I say Hi. I'm not going to trip and fall. She's so fine. Fine like me.

What you lack is confidence. Since you're good with songs, you might want to pluck up the courage and impress her with a ballad or two. Better yet, make your poem into a song and sing it to her (HB #6: Identify the problem and come up with impractical solutions)! That would definitely gain you some visibility! Here's wishing you the best of luck!

I'm so good at this that I hate myself. It's so mean of me to put all the beauties like "B" in the world at risk by giving encouragement to losers like Fool-in-Love. Psychopaths like Fool-in-Love should be issued injunctions so they don't even think about hooking up with girls who obviously are way beyond their league. And hypocritical purveyors of free advice like yours truly and Big Bro should be jailed.

Disclaimer: Odds&Ends does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. Odds&Ends disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

That said, Fool-in-Love and his letter are figments of my demented mind. This is a practice in satirical writing and thus does not truly reflect my personality. It means I'm not actually hypocritical. In fact, hypocrites top my Code Red book, a book in which I list my mortal enemies and 101 wicked ways to bump them off. And I'm guilty of coming up with that awful poem. Lock me up, someone.